A Gay & The City

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotion for me living in this big city by myself. I recently renewed my lease for a second year. I've never lived by myself for this amount of time and to be honest, a year ago I didn't think I was going to make it to signing the lease again. Let alone being happy to do it. But with a renewed lease, it makes me think about how different my life has become over a year.

I have been single for the longest amount of time in my life as well over the last year. I typically get out of one relationship and right into another because it's been easier than being alone. And, to some extent, I would still agree with that. But I have also grown to love my single life and what it has to offer to me. While some nights can get lonely, I also don't have someone standing here expecting answers from me or asking me to do things I don't want to do. I can eat, drink, listen, watch, and do whatever it is that I want without someone saying that they don't want to do it.

I have learned a lot by taking this time for myself and surrounding myself with the things that I love and the people that I love. I have learned that it is okay to be alone and spend time doing things that I like. I haven't taken the time to do that before in any of my relationships. It was always me doing what I thought the other person wanted me to do. I now know better in the future to take that time for myself because it is healthy for the psyche.

But the last couple of months have been this whirlwind around me because it hasn't always been rainbows and sunshine. There were times when I felt like I was an alien living in someone else's flesh. I felt like I didn't belong in my own home by myself. The nights would get lonely beyond the point of no return sometimes and my mind would wander to places it has never explored before. At first, I was afraid of where my mind was taking me, but I decided to open my mind and allow it to come in. It has been enlightening and has begun to show me how it this time alone has allowed me to open my mind to those thoughts.

While I have spent the last year of my life living as a hermit, this time has shown me that it's okay to go out and be the weird being that I am. It's taught me that I am my own worst critic. That my thoughts don't have to be the scary anxiety-causing thoughts that I was expecting them to be. This past year has taught me that I am a lot more of a Myssfit than I thought I would've ever been.

Be sure to head over to Jevon's blog Jevonography to see some of his other articles.